The Stars Were Made for You

On Christmas day, I woke up grieving my cousin. This wasn’t strange given the two-year anniversary of her death was on the 26^th, but it still surprised me at how awful I felt.

Grief is a weird thing. It can hit you out of nowhere at the most random times and be minuscule during the times you think it would be a bigger deal. It’s also not linear at all.

I was so busy this holiday season that I hadn’t had much time to think about the date that was approaching. I thought I’d be fine.  

I was wrong.

The grief felt like the crushing weight of an elephant stomping on my chest. All of the thoughts and emotions I’d worked through a dozen times came rushing back, bringing me to tears before I even got out of bed.

I spiraled pretty quickly, thinking not only of my cousin, but also of all the people who were spending the holiday alone, those who just lost someone, those who didn’t have a home at all.

My sadness turned to anger, when I asked God, “Why do you allow suffering in this world? Why do you let bad things happen? How am I supposed to spread your love when there’s so much darkness in this world?”

And then I asked the question that many followers of Christ pretend they’ve never asked. The question that most people have asked at least once in their life. “Where are you???”

Later that night, after my raging emotions had been siphoned out with family time, good food, and better wine, I begrudgingly met up with the Lord when I went out to the hot tub.

The hot tub is my favorite place for prayer, and for deliberating life’s troubles with God.

Even when I feel hopeless and half-heartedly believe in the love of our Creator, I still ask him to be with me, and he always shows up.

Especially on days like that day, when I was feeling really, really low.

I immediately got my breath taken away as I looked up at the night sky. The winter stars are always more dazzling than the summer stars, but on Christmas night they were brighter and more plentiful than I had seen them the entire year.

As I sat in the hot water, I tilted my head up, watching the stars blink and pulse, and I could feel the presence of Holy Spirit.

You were wondering where I was? Here I am, God whispered, sending three different shooting stars across the sky in a matter of minutes.

My eyes caught on a star that had been steadily growing more vibrant over the past few months. As I really looked at it I gasped, seeing thin beams of light coming off the star in every direction, reminding me of a snowflake. The star was blue and white, the halo of beams twinkling, no matter how much I rubbed my eyes, initially thinking it was an optical illusion.

I suddenly understood the countless drawings or art I’d seen throughout my life, where the stars were depicted this way. I had never seen a star like that before.

I firmly believe the little patch of winter sky I can see from my hot tub is God’s unique gift to me, but this time I knew God was really showing up, and showing off.  He was reminding me of his glory and his love for me.

As I watched that blue star twinkle, I heard my cousin’s voice. She told me that she was okay, and not to be sad. She reminded me that she was with Jesus now, and wherever she was, she was doing so much better than she ever was on earth.

I released all the pain I’d been holding onto. I knew my cousin was appearing to me through that star, and that I’d always be connected to her.

Once I again, I felt humbled, and apologized to God for my anger earlier that day, but he’d already forgiven me, like he always does.

Looking at the sparkling cosmic blanket, the song lyrics from one of my favorite worship songs, “Walking on the Waves,” by We the Kingdom, played in my mind:

“I set every star into place,

so you would remember my name.

I made it all for you.”

As I stared up into the vastness of the sky, those lines rang true, and it got me thinking about how much God loves us, and how important we are to him.

He created the earth, the sky, and every natural thing in between, in perfect beauty and synchronicity with one another, not just because he could, but also so we could enjoy it too.

If you think about how vast the universe is, and how small you are, isn’t it amazing that the larger-than-life Creator lovingly sewn every burning ball of fire into that specific spot in the sky just for your enjoyment?

It’s a reminder that his love for you is endless.

You might be thinking how ridiculous this all sounds because you’ve never felt love from God. You don’t believe in him or maybe you don’t believe he cares for you.

Maybe you’re like me, and you’ve asked God, “Where are you?” and he’s never shown up. All of the struggle and pain that you’ve gone through is proof that God doesn’t care about you.

Have you ever really looked at the night sky, though? Not from the window of your apartment where the sky glows pink and yellow from light pollution, but outside in nature where there’s no artificial light blocking out the stars, and no road noise or human population is drowning out the energy of creation?

Because there is an energy. Have you ever felt it? That thrumming current that seems to be dancing between the ground you’re laying on, the trees or fields surrounding you, and the clouds floating above you? That undeniable pulse that is everywhere and nowhere at once.

That energy is creation, singing and praising and glorifying the Creator.

That energy is God, beckoning you, calling to you, wanting to speak with you.

He does care about you, and he loves you more than you could ever imagine.

He wants to know you personally and support you through every little part of your life.

He’s saying, look at how the stars twinkle and dance for you. Look at how the moon shines on you. Listen to the wind sing through the trees for you.

It’s all for you.

I sat in the hot tub for a long time that night, watching the sky, feeling somewhat foolish for questioning God’s existence earlier.

Eventually, thin tendrils of clouds drifted over the stars like a veil. I felt a twinge of annoyance. I didn’t want the stars to be covered up by the clouds.

But then God threw me another curveball.

Just because the stars are covered up, doesn’t mean they’re not there.

I immediately knew what he was telling me. Just because we can’t physically see God doesn’t mean he isn’t there. Just because he doesn’t always answer our prayers – or answer them in the way we want them answered – doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

God is always there, he always cares, and while I don’t know why he allows all the crazy shiz in the world to happen, I do know that he wants to know us personally.

I do know that if we keep opening the door to our soul for him, if we keep waiting for the clouds to pass, he will show up, just like the stars will once again.  

It may not be on our timing. We may cry out to him and feel as though our prayers go unanswered. But God never abandons his children. His divine timing rules over our sudden need for divine intervention.

Jesus will show up, if you keep calling out. If you open up your heart. If you surrender to the wild idea of being loved by omnipotence. If you believe.

So next time you wonder where God is, go outside. Take in the magnificent beauty of the sky. Feel the energy of creation. Sit in the still quiet space and be open to an interaction with the divine.

God is with you. He loves you. He made the stars for you.  

Van night photography photos courtesy of Eliana Ramirez.

Stock photos from Pixabay.