The Complications of Loving Someone Who is Abusive

Let’s talk about the complications of loving someone who’s abusive.

My therapist called it trauma bonding, “when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm.” The cycle begins with abuse and is followed by positive reinforcement.

I’m certain this cycle played out in my relationship, but there’s no denying that I built a bond with this person before the abuse started. What is it called then, when you fall for someone and it’s months before the issues start?

When the abuse happens for the first time you’re already so tied to this person that recognizing it as mistreatment is next to impossible?

Perhaps I’m being delusional and maybe it was trauma bonding from the start, but one of the hardest concepts I tackled in the last year of healing was the connection I felt towards my ex.

How could I love someone so deeply who hurt me so badly? How did we form such a bond BEFORE the abuse started?

Was it just his love-bombing and co-dependency combined with my people pleasing and low-self esteem that formed this connection? Labels and diagnosis aside, it felt a lot more real than that.

I think the complications of loving someone who’s abusive and staying with them despite it all boils down to the fact that humans are complex creatures.

Nobody is fully bad or fully good. That complexity, combined with mental health issues, trauma, and basic needs and desires can create a mess.

My ex was my best friend. Nobody understood me the way he did and he was the only person I truly felt I could fully be myself around. He was supportive, loyal, and encouraging. We could spend hours talking and it truly felt that on a soul level, we were aligned.

Then there were the mental health issues. I had such low self-esteem back then and all I wanted was to feel special. To be enough. To change people’s lives.

I was a people pleaser, I had zero boundaries, and I had a tendency for attracting men who needed help. Savior complex and master enabler over here. 🙋🏼‍♀️

My ex had severe PTSD among other mental health issues. He made me feel special. I was saving him. Helping him. He had so much potential and just needed a leg up. And I was there to give it to him.

My enabling created deep co-dependency, and his need made me feel special, so when I tried to hold him accountable (for basic adulting things), he took it as criticism which triggered the PTSD and so the abuse started.

The mean, manic version came out. The one who yelled, said hurtful things, called me names. Who punched holes in walls and wouldn’t let me leave to cool down. There was no talking to him in that state.

Positive reinforcement followed: apologies, feeling bad, love bombing.

Then the criticism and gaslighting: reminding me that he was easily triggered and I couldn’t speak to him in a certain tone/way.

Saying it wasn’t that bad and that we should just forget about it and move on.

I could never be honest with how I was feeling. And I began to believe it really was my fault and I just had to do better and try harder not to trigger my ex.

My ex didn’t want to heal himself and I made the mistake of believing that I could heal him. I could fix him. I could make him see his value and worth and potential by loving him harder. I just had to be better. You can imagine what that did to my already non-existent self esteem. By the time we broke up, I hated myself.

That was the bad. Amid the trauma and abuse, was the good.

The silly moments laughing and being goofy, cuddling up on the couch and binge watching netflix, and going to edm events, which were a whole other layer to our relationship and deserve a separate post honestly.

All those moments of being seen and supported and loved by this person.. it made it messy. Complicated. And hard to reconcile during this healing process. I thought this person was my soulmate. I thought we were going to be together forever. But three years in, I walked away bc I couldn’t take being treated like that anymore.

I wish I had a real solution for this, how to heal and let go of a deep bond with someone who hurt you. At the end of the day, losing someone you love, hurts, even if they hurt you. All the analyzing, labeling and therapy can’t change your feelings and emotions.

The only way I’ve found healing is to look at this relationship as a whole, not by demonizing my ex or romanticizing the connection. Looking at it fully, with the good and the bad, and choosing to let go.

Allowing myself to feel all the things, and as they rise to the surface, let them go too. Allowing myself to grieve has been imperative to actually moving on. And when all that’s said and done, then there’s time. Letting the wounds heal with time so they’re no longer gaping, gushing blood, but only a scar remains.

I share my story so that people who have gone or are going through a similar situation feel less alone. I felt so alone and didn’t think anyone could understand what I’d gone though, mostly bc I was embarrassed that I had such deep feelings for someone who treated me like shit.

If you’ve loved someone who abused you, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay that you gave so much and put up with so much. Give yourself grace. You didn’t know what you know now. There’s nothing wrong with you for loving someone who hurt you.

And if you’re still in a situation like that, I encourage you to see your own value, that you are worth wayyyy more than being treated that way. I see you. I’m here with you. You are not alone. Healing is possible. Believing that you deserve better – no matter how strong the connection might be – is the first step.

I’m praying God gives you the strength to walk away. If you’ve already walked away, I’m praying you find healing. God is with you. You don’t have to go thru this alone.