A Lesson in Trust, Integrity, and Disappointment

The other day I was scrolling through the documents in my “Writing” folder, when I stumbled upon this piece I wrote back in 2020. Sometimes God uses words I’ve previously written to speak to my current situation, and I just have to laugh at how spot on he is. This was one of those moments for me. It filled me with peace, and eased the ache in my heart so much that I knew I had to share it here. In light of recent experiences, I’ve added a few thoughts and revelations to tie into the core message. I pray this brings you closer to God as you read this, and that you are reminded no matter what you are going through, you are not alone.

9/2/20

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in life thus far is that people will disappoint you. They will make promises and break them. Their actions don’t align with their words. Honoring your word, or having integrity, is one of the most important qualities I look for in my relationships. It’s also where people have let me down the most. It’s where much of my trauma is rooted.  

It’s one of those hard truths that I haven’t wanted to admit or face, because I tend to see the good in everyone and I believe that everyone I connect with is genuine, kind, giving, and just all around good. It’s naïve of me to think like that, I know, but that’s where my mind goes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect and I don’t get along with everyone I meet, but for the most part, I enjoy meeting people and learning about them. And once I’ve connected with someone and the feelings of friendship are mutual, I love them very quickly.

Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, I find the beauty of connection euphoric. In any relationship, trust is built when people act according to their word. With my little gullible heart, I believe people before they show me they are trustworthy, or I trust them even after they’ve hurt me. I hold tight to the idea that they are good. They will do what they say, because I do what I say.

It’s simple right?

Not so much. I’ve had boyfriends say they’ll never hurt me, lie to me or cheat on me, then do all those things. I’ve had friends say that they’ll always be there for me, then ghost me. These times have left me feeling disappointed, hurt, confused, betrayed, and angry. Why would someone say something and do the complete opposite of what they said? Did they ever really mean what they said to begin with?

That’s where God comes in. He’s reminded me that as humans, we are fallible by nature. We have good in us, but we are constantly battling spiritual warfare. It’s easy for me to point fingers when I’m the victim in the situation, but I know I’ve hurt people too. We make promises then break them. We say things we don’t really mean because we don’t want to hurt someone with our truth, and then hurt them anyway when our actions don’t match our words. We hurt others, we hurt ourselves and we hurt God. We fall short of the standard God sets for us, time and time again.  

Something else I’m learning? Not only is God good, he is all good. I’m learning during this season of transition and tribulation to stop putting my trust in the fallible, in the temporary.

No human being is going to fill the aching spot in my soul. Only Jesus can. He’s always there for me. He loves me no matter what I do. God always comes through on his promises.

But how do I trust God, when I’ve tried trusting so many times before only to end up hurt and disappointed? How can I be sure that God will really do what he says he will? How can I count on him to hold my pain?

I guess that’s what faith is. Trusting the unseen, the unknown, the things that have no tangible, worldly proof. I go back to everything that God has given me, everything he’s gotten me through and all of the prayers he has answered. I adjust my expectations of my fellow man. I guard my heart. I love them even when they break their promises, even when I don’t trust them anymore. I forgive those who’ve hurt me, and I let them go in peace, believing that God will bring people into my life who are better suited for me. I choose to live in hope of God’s promises that he has far greater things in store for me.

As I aim to live like Jesus while acknowledging my own shortcomings, I draw close to him. As we grow closer, I get to see his heart. I begin to understand. And it is in my understanding of how much God truly loves me that I trust him.

God will never fail you. He is always there for you, even when others can’t be. His promises are true and he will never break them. God is not human. He is perfect. Where other people fail us, God is right there, ready to pick up the pieces. Ready to hold us through our tears, anchoring us amidst the raging sea of emotion within our hearts. He will not let us drown in heartbreak. God is there, ready to bring peace and love to our shattered souls. His hand is out, beckoning us to try again.  

Fall into the unknown and trust that he will catch you and throw you back up, as a better person than you were before. He is all you need. Nothing else matters compared to having relationship with the Lord. No hurt can prosper where Jesus is. He is the ultimate healer, the greatest love, and the most reliable friend. Thank you, Jesus.