Living Proof: How My Dating Disasters Taught Me About God’s Love

There’s an expression coined by my pastor that I love: the faith journey is about progression, not perfection. This is a mantra I repeat to myself on a daily basis. I used to compare myself a lot to other Christians because I didn’t feel like I was doing it right.

I didn’t feel like I was good enough.

But over the past couple of years since deep-diving into my faith, I’ve learned that my pastor is right. Walking with Jesus is about progression, not perfection. If you were taught that you had to be a certain way or act a certain way to come before God, I’m sorry, but that is a lie.

God wants to know you just as you are.

I’m getting a sense that many people in the world – including a lot of my friends and family – believe that they’re not good enough for God. They believe that God is an ambiguous figure, indifferent to the suffering of the world, or an angry father figure who is disappointed in them constantly. They are afraid to come before God, because they’ve been told that they are bad people, that their life choices are wrong and they’re going to hell.

And I don’t blame them for their hesitation. It’s hard to see the love of the Creator when you’re being told by those who represent him that what you’re doing or literally who you are as a person, is wrong.

But I’ve learned personally, you don’t have to be “good enough” to know Jesus. God loved me when I found him as a broken party-girl with relationship trauma and body image issues. He loved me each time I vowed to follow him and got distracted by worldly temptations. His love continued when I blatantly disobeyed him or got angry at him for not giving me what I wanted at the time. He loved me even when I felt like I couldn’t give up certain habits and he loved me when my hard heart began to thaw and I slowly surrendered to his love.

God’s love for me (and for you, too!) has and always will be the same. It never varies, it never flounders. It is always there, consistent, and persistent, knocking on the door of my soul.

I know this because during the past few years of being active in my faith, I’ve stumbled, and I’ve fallen short of what God wants for me. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve intentionally gone my own way. And still, God’s love for me remains as steadfast as rock amongst crashing waves.

Still unsure? Let me tell you a few stories about my very own personal life that exemplify God’s love for humanity. These anecdotes all pertain to dating/relationships and how I have failed so many times to follow God’s guidance and the process of me learning to trust him. They show how I’ve learned that God really does love me, no matter what I do, and how to actually allow myself to be loved by him.

If you didn’t already know, I had a radical encounter with the Lord in the Canadian Rockies during my time living in a van in 2019. Since then, I’ve lived life on the straight and narrow, fully trusting God and submitting to the path of life he’s been leading me on – just kidding! Learning how to be in a relationship with Jesus has been rocky, full of struggle and trial and messing up and making some dumb decisions. But it has been a beautiful process all the same.

Anyway, when I decided to follow Jesus and really start living with him, the biggest area that I wanted to change was the realm of dating and relationships. God gave me weeks of revelation concerning the topic during my weeks hiking in the Canadian Rockies, and when I departed, I was determined to be a changed woman. No longer would I idolize relationships. No longer would I put up with being treated like shit. I was going to let God guide me to my future partner, no matter how hard it would be or how long it took.

I was so naïve when it came to my faith back then, it was cute. I had no idea how much healing I still had to do; how hard it would be to retrain my brain and surrender my heart to God. I felt changed by my time in the mountains but changing habits and thought patterns was a lot more difficult than I was prepared for. So, while I wish I could say that my time in the mountains with God completely transformed me into a confident woman who “doesn’t need no man,” who has overcome temptation with ease and has fully trusted in what God has in store for her, that wouldn’t be true.

For me and my walk with Jesus, it’s been about the progression. There have been a smattering of men throughout the past couple of years who have been tempting, although there are three that I want to spill the tea on today (just kidding.. sort of.) The scenarios that occurred with each guy had a recurring theme: God told me no, he told me to let them go, and I didn’t listen. And with each scenario, I also grew. I learned why God told me no and realized that had I just listened to him, I wouldn’t be hurt or disappointed, neither would the other person involved.  

With each person, I put up more and more boundaries, I didn’t go as far (not just physically, but emotionally too) and I was able to recognize my own behavioral patterns that needed healing. God was still working in these situations even when I disobeyed. It’s because of God’s unwavering love that I was able to grow into the person God destined me to be. And that is progression.

Let’s start with Ben*. I met Ben at a very pivotal moment in my life. I was feeling empty and lonely, and I has started chipping away at the iceberg of my trauma. I knew I had issues when it came to men, but I wasn’t sure how to change my habits. Ben and I spent the weekend together at a music festival, just days before I’d encounter God and my life would be forever changed.

At that time, I desperately wanted a partner. I had a habit of finding a “festi-bae” at the events I went to. I told myself that this thing with Ben was casual and that Ben would be the last one of the festival flings. Even though they were fun, they always left me feeling emptier than before. Little did I know that my time with Ben would expand far beyond the boundaries of the music festival, spanning over months at different locations and I’d spend a lot of time and energy on him.  

Ben surprised me. My expectations weren’t very high – I’d had more than my fair share of douchey guys – but Ben was… actually a nice person. He was kind, laidback, and made me laugh. He didn’t seem to expect anything from me. We stayed up late, talking as the night bled into the day, the sun poking its head above the horizon, grey pre-dawn light cutting through the cold of the morning. We had so much to talk about, and if you know me, good conversation is a quality that I find most attractive. That weekend was just the beginning. We texted constantly as I journeyed farther north into Canada, and we made plans to cross paths again.

Then, I met God. He surprised me and overwhelmed me with his love. And when this insane spiritual transformation started happening, I worked through so many things with God. As I climbed the rugged peaks that seemed to spring out of the valleys, I heard and felt the presence of the Creator. A relationship began to form, and I started to hear God more clearly, in a way I never had before. And as the days trickled into weeks, I heard the message Holy Spirit so lovingly whispered to me: ”Let Ben go.”

Oh how I struggled with this. I wrestled with myself and with God, feeling like what he was asking of me was impossible. I had never walked away from someone I was interested in before, in fact, I usually did the opposite, throwing all my time and energy into getting them to like me. I didn’t understand why God wanted me to do this, and it would be several months before I figured it out. After a while I stopped texting Ben back, hoping that some time without the constant stream of communication would help things, but ultimately, I still decided to see him again.

Our second weekend together just solidified my feelings. It didn’t matter what I had initially said about it being casual. I didn’t care that we didn’t even live in the same state. Ben checked most of the boxes for me, and I wanted him to be mine. The thing is, Ben didn’t feel the same way. As time went on, and we continued to communicate constantly, I realized that I was giving more than Ben was giving. I was opening up more, showing him more of my life, wanting him to see me and realize how great I was, when he wasn’t reciprocating. Knowing what God wanted me to do, I also tried and failed to end it multiple times, only to somehow pick up again after a few weeks, or days. Deep down, I wanted Ben to pick me. I kept thinking, “If he could just realize how great I am, then we could be together,” not realizing how unhealthy this thought was.

The months dragged on. I tried to not think about Ben or talk to Ben, and yet our conversations began to be a lifeline for me. I was in a dark season at this point, and it was so nice to have someone to talk to, someone who made me feel marginally better. Our paths eventually crossed again, six months since the last time we saw each other, and even though I knew I shouldn’t see him I did.

We spent a few weeks exploring the mountains near the city I was living in, and I finally couldn’t deny the truth of what I’d been ignoring any longer: Ben wasn’t the one for me, and neither was I for him. He met so many of my standards, but the core ones, the most important ones, were missing. It hit me out of the blue one day: Ben was closed off and even though he’d been nothing but nice and respectful, he wasn’t giving me the love and attention that I needed in a relationship. My feelings kept getting hurt and I was done with trying to get him to like me when he clearly wasn’t that into me.

I realized that every time I had said I needed space, Ben agreed easily. He didn’t tell me how important I was to him, he didn’t try to persuade me to keep communicating. He let me go, much more easily than I was ever able to. I learned that if someone is so willing to let me go, that doesn’t mean I should try harder to get them to like me, it means they aren’t the one for me. Relationships can’t be forced.

It was at that moment that I realized why God had told me to let him go all those months ago. I would’ve saved myself a lot of time, energy, and heartache had I just listened to the Lord. But I’m a messy human with desires and dreams. I had to see if there was more there with Ben, and God allowed that to happen because he doesn’t force anything.

He’ll never force you to follow him, to obey him or to believe in him. And if anyone representing Jesus has made faith out to be this oppressive, scary, condemning trial, I’m so sorry, but that’s not who God is. He will wait until you’re ready to come and meet you.

Anyway, after things with Ben ended, I vowed to the Lord that this was the start of change. I wasn’t going to date or hook up with or even look twice at someone unless God told me to.

Another reason why I love God? He still loves me even when I don’t keep my promises. He knows how human we are, and even when we fall short of his standards, of our promises, he still wants our hearts. He still wants to know us and walk alongside us.

Next up is River*. I fell into it with him most unexpectedly. One day I friend-zoned him, and by the following week we were saying, “I love you.” If it sounds crazy to you, believe me, it is. My time with River was a whirlwind of emotions, and I got blindsided by the depth of our connection. It made me forget my promise to God, and it made me ignore God when he was calling me home. Still, God remained faithful, and taught me a lot.

It was summer, the days reaching a scorching 100-degrees on average as I was living out my Jeep and wandering in the Pacific Northwest. I was totally closed off to having a romantic relationship given my promise to God, and I was actually starting to enjoy my independence. I was focused on my relationship with God and with myself. I was a strong, bad ass woman who didn’t need a partner! But I did connect with a tribe of nomads, and we started traveling together. River was part of that group.

River was a cyclone of emotion, turned on all the time, loud and outgoing and passionate. He had a dark horse vibe going that I couldn’t help but find endearing. I’ve always had a soft spot for the underdogs, the misfits, the rejected and the misunderstood.

We connected quickly, like jumping into the deep end of the pool. We shared many common interests, as well as deeper morals and beliefs, the most important of which was that his spiritual beliefs were rooted in Christianity. The first day we hung out, we talked for hours, and I thought that this person could be a really good friend.

River pursued me from the start, and even when I tried to friend-zone him, there was no denying the attraction between us. Things spiraled quickly, starting with a magical weekend at some natural hot springs. They went from zero to a hundred when I ignored Holy Spirit’s nudges to go home after said weekend, and thought a few more days with River wouldn’t hurt. They changed everything. Things went from zero to a hundred real quick. Within those few days, we were saying “I love you,” and by the end of the week, we were shacked up together like an old married couple in his friend’s house.

My time with River was healing in ways I never expected. He felt safe, he held space for me to voice my opinions, and when we argued (arguments this early on should’ve been a red flag, but whatever) he always communicated peacefully. We spent hours each night talking, and I really loved his soul. It made me question everything… God didn’t tell me to be with this person, and he didn’t approve it either. But this connection with River made me wonder if we were meant to be.

We spent a month together, loving and fighting and adventuring. Obviously, no one is perfect, and through our disagreements God made it clear to me what some of the red flags were. As time went on, I grew exhausted. I was tired of all the social interaction (River was highly extroverted), tired from all the communication (the thing that seemed so beautiful was becoming burdensome), and most importantly, I felt so out of alignment. By ignoring God and not going home, I was pouring all my time and energy into this dazzling firework show with River. It didn’t matter how amazing of a person River was, by doing this thing with him, I was out of alignment with God, and with myself.

After a month, we said our tearful goodbyes, and I began the journey home. Things went downhill quickly from there. What was once a firework show, sparkling and glittering, became a bomb, destroying my heart and soul. Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but that’s what it was: drama. Certain red flags became huge bloody banners, and when I tried to pull away, things didn’t go well. When I tried to stand up for myself, things went even worse. River treated me the way I vowed to never let anyone treat me again. During an argument, he raised his voice at me, cursed at me, and was just plain mean, throwing insults at me and bringing up things that had nothing to do with the conversation.

It blindsided me because he had always been so calm, loving, and patient. It hurt more than if he had just been an asshole straight off the bat. But looking back, I could see that there were warning signs of this behavior, hovering just below the surface, and it was only a matter of time before they showed themselves fully.  

River, I realized, was practically a reincarnation of my most serious, toxic relationship. A dizzying cocktail of passion and pain. It didn’t matter how beautiful our connection was, there was still misunderstanding and mistreatment. I remembered what God had told me at the beginning, that I’d so easily ignored: neither of us were healed enough from our pasts to enter into such a serious relationship. I learned just how much healing and inner work I needed to do before I’d feel ready for a true partnership.

I had done it again. I had disobeyed God, ignored his warning signs, and let myself get swept into a sinkhole of love.

It had felt so good to be wanted, to be pursued, that I let my feelings in the moment override my values and my promises that I had made to myself and to the Lord.

But still, God was so loving and kind. His mercy and grace healed my broken spirit, and together we moved forward. I spent months working on myself and on my healing, allowing God to lead me down the path of personal development.

Things were going well for a while… until they weren’t. Somewhere along the way, I got tired of where God had me. It was a season of uncertainty. I felt stuck with where I was. I felt unsatisfied, and even though I had renewed my promise to God, I started to crave companionship. I started to develop feelings for my coworker Michael*, and since I had finally learned my lesson after the last two romantic disasters, I knew that unless God told me to go for it, I shouldn’t do it.

This one was different. I struggled for months, the internal war waging within myself like a violent storm. I knew that I shouldn’t go for him for a multitude of reasons, the main one being I was trying to remain obedient to God. He once again told me to leave Michael alone, so there must’ve been a reason for it.

But the temptation with Michael grew as time went on. He was always joking around and talking to me, and I found it annoying at first, but then I realized how good our conversations were, and you know what that means. I started to like the attention. There was definitely some flirtation going on between us, but more than anything we were friends. I loved this because I had really wanted to be friends with anyone before pursuing anything with them. Michael was respectful. There was no doubt that he was attracted to me, but he was never inappropriate or sexual, in fact he never took things further than the harmless flirtation at work.

Still, I tried to remember the lessons I’d learned with Ben and River, I asked God for strength to get through this, but it began to feel impossible to overcome. I started to get angry with God, wondering why he had me in this situation – I knew he didn’t want me to quit my job, and neither did I – when he wasn’t removing the obstacle. I started to believe the lie that I was going to be stuck in this situation forever. That God didn’t really care about me, and that it was up to me, and me alone, to resist.

And amidst all that, God did fight for me, but I couldn’t see it that way. When the Lord told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level and be in a serious, personal relationship, I freaked out. I knew once again, God was asking the impossible of me, telling me to let Michael go, and pursue him (God) wholeheartedly. It was too much.

And so, I turned from God and submitted to the temptation. I started up a fling with Michael with the intent of being casual. After my experience with River, I had no desire for a serious relationship – for the first time I really felt like that and wasn’t just lying to myself – but I wanted to have some fun. I wanted the attention and the companionship, but I didn’t want the commitment. I knew this wasn’t what God wanted for me, but I didn’t care. I thought I had it under control. I knew that God didn’t want me to pursue Michael because I would end up getting hurt, but the thing was, I’d done this enough times to know how to actually guard my heart. I thought I had it all figured out, but boy was I wrong.

What I wasn’t expecting was for Michael to pull a 180 and become super interested in me, to the point of being smothering and clingy. It was such whiplash. What happened to the aloof and easy-going guy at work, the one who didn’t take the bait I offered him until I flat out confronted him and asked him if he liked me? I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Michael kept saying he was respecting my boundaries, but he was always pushing for more, not just in a physical sense, but mentally too. He always wanted to talk on the phone, he always wanted to hang out. It was exhausting. I wanted casual and fun, not a committed relationship.

Then, the most unexpected thing happened, and it changed everything. Only a couple weeks into it, Michael got fired from work. And it hit me with so much conviction: had I just waited a few more weeks before acting on my emotions, had I just trusted God, he would’ve taken me out of this tempting situation. I would’ve been free from the temptation. But I didn’t wait. I didn’t trust God. I knew right then that things with Michael had to end.

Unfortunately, this process was a dramatic shit show, taking multiple tries to extract myself, not wanting to hurt him but wanting to remain friends (this almost never happens I’ve learned). I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but eventually things ended on what I thought was a good note.

Once again, I was proved wrong.

Over the course of a week, Michael got drunk multiple times, and blew up my phone, sending tons of messages spewing gibberish (a clear sign he’d been drinking) and calling me repeatedly, going so far as to show up at my house blacked out drunk. Thankfully I wasn’t home, and my dad scared him off, but that was the last straw. The clinginess had turned into full on harassment. I told him to stop but it didn’t matter. He kept it up until I blocked him. It was insane. I couldn’t believe that someone I had felt so safe with was now making me fear for my safety. How could someone who said they liked me so much treat me like that? My stomach was a twisted mess of anxiety, and I wasn’t sleeping well. This behavior was so far from the guy I knew at work. It was a shock to the system to deal with such erratic and concerning behavior.

After things ended, I felt so remorseful and so ashamed. I felt like I had done something wrong because of the way Michael was treating me. This was my fault because I had stepped outside of God’s will, acting out of my own selfish desires. I shoved God aside, certain that what I was doing was fine and that I wasn’t cut out for whatever God had for me.

This is where the story gets good. When I came to God, admitting where I had gone wrong, and asking for forgiveness, he gave it to me. No questions were asked. When I was beating myself up over making yet another reckless and stupid mistake, God was right there, loving on me and guiding me through it. He was pursuing me with that endless love of his, keeping me safe, and telling me that he still wanted me. He told me that I was forgiven, that I had nothing to be ashamed about.

It was in the depths of anxiety and fear and shame that I realized God really loves me. And nothing I do will ever change his love for me. He will pursue my heart until the end of my life, but he isn’t pushy, like Michael or River were. He also isn’t indifferent like Ben was. God wants to know me so badly, but he’ll never force me to follow him. He also cares deeply when I mess up, and he hurts with me.

The love of God is like being wrapped up in a warm hug, it’s like encountering light in a dark, cold cave, it’s like drinking an ice-cold glass of water in the desert. God’s love is life-giving. The love of God is more intoxicating than any drug or drink, it’s more exciting than traveling the country in a van, and more comforting than being wrapped up in a blanket, binge-watching some truly heinous reality TV, munching on a favorite snack.

There’s seriously nothing better than God’s love. He’s easy to forget in a world that promises instant gratification. He’s easy to run away from when I don’t feel like I’m good enough. But God doesn’t need good enough, he just needs a yes. And each time I decide to come back to him, he doesn’t scold me or freeze me out or make me feel like shit, like people do.

With Michael, God took my shame and guilt and remorse and gave me peace and love and hope. He reached out his hand and asked me to try again with him. All those shitty feelings I was having? Those are from the enemy, as an attempt to dissuade me from following God.

If feelings of shame and guilt and condemnation are keeping you from God, know they are not from God. God doesn’t hate you, nor does he think you’re a terrible person. He loves you and wants to know you, just as you are.

I am living proof of how deeply God loves us. I am so messy and broken and imperfect, what did I do to deserve this grace? Nothing. That’s why he sent Jesus. That’s why God is good. That’s also why I can mess up and God will still love me.

After that fiasco with Michael I decided to say yes to God, to enter into a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. That process is a story for another blog post, but these lessons from these men were imperative to me learning how to trust Jesus. How to really believe that God knows what is best for me and to follow his instruction. That no matter how difficult, uncomfortable, or impossible a task may seem, if it’s from God, I should still do it. Because honestly? Disobeying God isn’t worth it. It’s not worth the heartache and stress, and it’s not just me that gets hurt either, but those involved too.

So there ya have it, folks. My true-life stories on when I didn’t follow God, the events that followed, and what I learned from them. I pray that these anecdotes show you the love of the Creator, and how you really can’t mess up enough for his love to ever leave you. These stories show progression, not perfection, because that’s what I am, a work in progress. I pray that you think about inviting the Lord into your heart, or if you’ve been being pursued by Jesus, that you take that first step. Just say yes.

*Names have been changed.