A Simply Honest Post

Alright, guys. I have taken some time off from the blog, and during that time I’ve done a lot of work internally. And what I feel I need to share with you the most, is just an honest update. The truth is… I have been struggling. Like I said in my last post, grief hit me hard over the holidays and it was like the grief was a gateway for all the other feelings to come through.

Anxiety. Depression. Negative and toxic thought patterns. Turning to worldly distractions to satisfy my very dissatisfied soul, which ultimately made me feel even more like shit.

I didn’t start off the year feeling empowered and excited. It was a dark season.

One of the main issues I was having was this. The blog. My little corner of the web.

During my dark season I also was physically ill (not COVID, thank God), and that week was the first week in months that I didn’t post anything.

It tripped me up and allowed for all the feelings (about the blog) I’d been suppressing to come to the surface.

Trying to come up with something to write about each week was stressing me out. I hated the process of it all, the endless cycle of brainstorming, creation, formatting, and publishing, over and over and over again.

How was I going to keep this up? Blogging is exhausting.

I didn’t like how basic my website was, I had no idea what direction I was going in, and according to my website analytics hardly anyone was reading it.

Did what I have to say really matter? Did anyone besides my parents and a couple of close friends really even care?

Okay, can I be brutally honest for a second?

I have struggled to enjoy blogging ever since I’ve started. In fact, I haven’t liked it. I don’t like it.

Yep, I just said it. I don’t like blogging.

I don’t like forcing my creativity out each week by coming up with something new. It gives me an incredible amount of anxiety to pour out my innermost thoughts for everyone to see. And it especially terrifies me to share my faith.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering why I continue to do it. If I don’t like it so much, why don’t I just quit?

The thing is, the reason behind this blog is so much deeper than that. I’m not doing this because I want to. I’m doing it because God has called me to this very specific project in the writing realm.  

God is so good. I could easily just decide not to do it, and I know that God isn’t going to hate me or be disappointed in me, or punish me.

He’ll let me go my own way and do whatever it is I want to do. He’ll watch as I ignore his nudges down the divine path he’s laid out for me, and he’ll be right there when I try to do things on my own and I fail and I get hurt or lost along the way. He won’t reprimand me; he won’t make me feel like garbage. He’ll hold me, console me, and encourage me to try it his way again.

I know I could just give up on the blog – and for a few weeks I was seriously thinking about it. But a trip out to Arches National Park in Moab, Utah, changed those thoughts.

I was able to cut out all distractions. I had no cell phone service. I didn’t even bring a book with me. It was just me and God for a couple of blissful days as I explored a little pocket of his creation.

As my head began to clear, and my heart felt lighter, I was able to communicate with the Creator. And when I earnestly sought him, he showed up, reminding me that the more time I spent with him the less hold those dark seasons had on me.

He loved me in that special way of his, the way that makes me want to follow him, to write the blog even if I don’t personally gain anything from it.

If you’re in a personal relationship with Jesus, you know what I’m talking about.

And if you’re not, I encourage you to try it for yourself.  Believe me when I say God wants you to experience his love more than anything.

He literally just wants to know you. You don’t have to be “good enough” to come before him. You can also be mad at him or confused about how this so-called love works when you’ve been through so much hardship and trial in your life. God can take it. And he wants to take it. He wants to take your trauma, your pain, your sadness, your hatred, your anger, your anxiety, your depression, all of it.

God wants you to give it to him, so he can give you love in return.

That’s the kind of love I feel from God. And as I wandered under massive red-stone arches in the cold, windy desert, I was reminded of who God is.

I was reminded that I can quit the blog at any second and Jesus will still love me.

It’s his love that reminded me of this: whenever I think I can’t live out the life God is calling me to live, I know that life apart from God is no life at all.

I’d rather be miserable and following God, than miserable and doing whatever the fruit I want. Because with God, I can get through anything. With God, there is peace and hope, and unconditional love. Without God I rely on my own strength, and my strength has repeatedly proven not to be enough.

Anyway, back to the revelations of my trip.

God told me to take the pressure off myself by posting every week and learn to enjoy the blog. It isn’t a punishment; this is a preparation. For what? I don’t know yet, and I won’t know until God tells me.

There is purpose behind this work, even if I can’t see it. Even if I don’t make one cent off the blog. Even if only one person who reads it gets changed by the message. There is a reason why God is calling me to do this.

Holy Spirit also kindly, gently but firmly, told me to stop trying to mimic the ways of the world. Stop trying to make the blog a successful business by worldly standards. I don’t have to post on Instagram all the time. I don’t have to even write every week.

I just have to write when I feel called to write. Because again, this isn’t about me. This is about God and sharing his love with the world.

It also doesn’t matter what people think of me. This has been a hard one for me. I want to liked, I want to be accepted. I haven’t even had any criticism yet, but I fear it.

But what matters is that people are coming into contact with Holy Spirit. That they are meeting God through my words, my travels, my photos.

Maybe that’s what this blog is partly for: to teach me about humility. To help me understand that obeying God is far more rewarding than following the ways of the world.

It’s certainly a process. And that’s what being a follower of Christ is about. Progression, not perfection, as my pastor likes to say.

I don’t like blogging, but I’m trying to like it. And honestly, this post has been the easiest one to write. Probably because I’m not trying to be something I’m not. Probably because God reminded me of his love, and so I’m actively asking him to change my heart posture.

Change my heart, Lord. I want to love what you’re calling me to do.

Wanna know another thing I learned out in the desert? The true, underlying reason why I’ve felt so against the blog.

I’ve always been a big dreamer, living halfway in fantasyland. I love adventures and mixing up my routine and trying new things. Doing the same thing every day for months or years on end is my version of torture.

Over the past couple of years I’ve shifted my focus from what I want to do with my life (and I have a superfluity of ideas) to asking God what he wants me with my life.

And so far, my life following Jesus hasn’t at all turned out the way I expected it would. Why I’ve been resisting this project, this season of my life as whole, is because I struggle to fully trust God.

To fully believe in an unseen force that oftentimes can’t be explained is terrifying. It really is. I’m not going to lie to you and say having a relationship with the Lord is a piece of cake. It’s not. God has pushed me and grown me in ways I would’ve never been able to do on my own, and while I’ve seen firsthand how rewarding it can be, it’s also really freaking scary.

But in Moab, I touched my hand to the massive rocks that had been placed on the earth for far longer than I had, and I was reminded that God has it under control. He already knows what’s going to happen, and I don’t need to stress about what I can’t see.

The blog is good because it comes from him, and God is good. God isn’t going to lead me into some trap that leaves me more broken and messed up than before I knew him. God is giving this to me for my own good, for good things to come – from it and because of it.

I have no reason not to trust in God. I have no reason to keep succumbing to my fear, because my faith in God is stronger. By focusing on Jesus, and relying on his strength, I can do it. I can write the damn blog.

I realized that my outlook was all wrong. For a long time I felt like it was just me out here, trying to make this work. I felt like if I didn’t do well enough, I’d fail. I was trying to use my own strength, not realizing that God was with me the whole time.

By shifting my focus from my fear and all the things that need to be done or could go wrong to Jesus, I remember that I’m not alone. God is with me, and since this is a task he’s given me, he’s cleared the way for me.

This isn’t some test that he’s grading me on. God has paved the way for success in this area of my life. He is walking alongside me the entire time, and if I just stay tuned into his Holy Spirit, and draw from the well of his strength, I can do it.

The anxiety, the fear, the pressure to succeed all fall away. And all that’s left is a desire to do the work God has instructed me to do.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been working on this mindset shift. And because of that, I believe God has given me more direction for the blog.

Part of my anxiety has stemmed from the name of the blog and the general sense of topics being all over the place. I’ve wanted some type of niche, or direction, a focus, a theme.

God has given the blog a new name, with a central theme to go along with it, and I AM SO EXCITED!

The last year of stressing, and striving, and crying, and bitching, and relentless praying over this thing has led me here.

God gave me the next step. A way for the blog to be a reflection of my love for God, and his love for all the people.

So this is a lil announcement that my blog is officially renamed Soulz to Soles!

I’m sure you already saw the name change if you’re reading this post, but I wanted to explain the change. Kaleidoscope Kitty was cute, but it was just something to get me going. It didn’t relate to my content at all, and this has bothered me since the beginning.  

But the night after I got back from my trip, out of nowhere (and I truly believe this is because of the tiny shift in my heart posture towards the blog) God gave me the idea of being on a both a soul journey, and a sole journey. My content reflects the journeys of both the external world such as traveling and health and wellness, and also the internal world – faith and personal development.

The blog name now matches the content and for the first time I’m not dreading sharing my work with the world. I’m excited to represent the Lord in a way that resonates with who I am, and what I love.

I will still be bringing mainly faith and travel related posts, but there will be a shift in my writing. I’m going to be more real, more raw. I’m not sure what that looks like yet, and that’s okay. I’ll figure it out. God will guide me. I’m going to fully follow God as he leads me on this adventure.

I should also mention I was able to get out of the dark season, well, God pulled me out of it. I’m definitely going to talk more about mental health in some upcoming posts because it’s such a prevalent part of my life and I know so many people struggle in this area as well. If you haven’t read my post on how to get out of a dark season, you can read it here.

Whew. This feels like a weight off my shoulders. This blog isn’t professional or really even put together well, but ya know what? That’s okay. Being my true self and stepping into the person God has called me to be is far more important that trying to be liked or accepted.

I’m done feeling anxious about doing everything perfectly so it’s accepted by everyone. I’m done caring what people think of me. I don’t give a fuck anymore. Well, I’m in the process of not giving a fuck anymore. (Yes, I love God and I cuss, like I said I’m being honest here. Remember, progression not perfection.) People coming to know God and understanding that he loves them is most important.

It’s interesting that this new step in my blogging journey falls right on the one year anniversary of the blog. It’s certainly been a tough and trying year, but I’ve learned a lot, and I’m so grateful to God for giving me the next step.

I’m actually looking forward to creating content now. So here’s to a new season on the blog. I can’t wait to see how God works in it and through me.  

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