Let It Go

“Let him go. I have so much more in store for you.”

It took me a while to realize I was holding on. That beneath the anger and hatred, even the indifference I had felt towards my ex over the years, I was still holding on.

After years of therapy, I felt ready to answer my ex’s repeated outreach: I wanted to talk. When God spoke those words over me, it was like getting hit in the face… by myself.

Let him go… the reality that there was still a deep connection to this person rose up with startling clarity and it left me reeling.

In the fall of 2022, nearly five years after breaking up, I spoke to and saw my ex boyfriend. What I believed to be closure was actually an opening for all of the memories, feelings and emotions that I’d suppressed for five years to come flooding to the surface. I suddenly felt myself split into two versions: the current me who was healing, had self respect and didn’t trust my ex at all, and then the younger version of me, the one who was still very much in love and wanting to be with this person.

I felt like I was going crazy. It didn’t help that my ex was nothing liked I’d expected. He’d changed. He’d healed. He took responsibility for his actions and he APOLOGIZED. 🤯 He’d grown into the man I always knew he could be. And yet, God echoed the same words any chance he could: Let. Him. Go.

It felt like I was at war with myself. I tried to let him go. I literally ran away from the situation. I left Colorado for months. I knew that all of these emotions were coming up so I could process them, so I could let go, but ultimately I couldn’t. It didn’t matter that we weren’t talking, that energetically I was trying to move on, deep down there was a part of me that was holding out hope. I was so close to choosing my ex, but God intervened.

It took God forcibly removing me from the situation for me to let go. Things ended badly. My ex gave me hope, and then let me down. He wasn’t true to his word, and his actions stung, triggering trauma from our relationship. I got rejected. Lied to. Ghosted.

Truthfully, this situation was one of the most painful of my life. It was one of the hardest seasons I have ever walked through and it was only because of God’s love that I’m healed. Well, healing.

When my heart got broken (again), I turned to God and I clung to him with everything in me. God was truly the lifeboat in the raging sea. When I was drowning in sorrow, allowing myself to grieve the loss now and the loss from back then, Jesus was there with me, wrapping me in his love. He kept me from falling off the edge into the abyss. It was an hour-by-hour survival mode for a while, constantly relying on God to comfort me. I never got the closure I wanted, but God gave me revelation. By spending time with God I came to realize several things.

I’m different now than I was when dating that person. I have so much respect and love for myself that went the shit hit the fan, I didn’t fight it. I took it for what it was and stepped away. I could’ve fought. But I realized that no matter how healing our time was together last winter, no matter how much he’d changed, my ex still wasn’t right for me.

He still wasn’t enough. And no amount of healing on his part could fully undo the trauma he gave me. And while he was no longer abusive or angry or manic, he proved to me that he still would never meet my standards. Not because he didn’t want to- another revelation from God- but bc he didn’t have the capacity to. What it all boiled down to… my ex simply doesn’t have the capacity to treat me with the love and respect and care that I deserve.

God allowed me to get my heart broken by my ex yet again, not bc I was being disobedient or bc he’s a hateful God. He allowed it bc he loves me. This situation happened so I could see my ex for who he truly was, not who I wanted him to be, and for me to see it then, before i went deeper and got even more hurt.

I tell this story as an a pseudo answer to the question: why does God allow bad shit to happen. Now I don’t think this applies to everything all the time. But I challenge you to look at whatever horrible thing you’re facing with a different perspective. That instead of it happening TO you, it’s happening FOR you. For a greater purpose, for a better good.

Getting hurt by my ex again allowed me to let go. It allowed me to fully process all the emotions I’d stuffed down and shut out for so long. It enabled me to cut that soul tie and actually heal. It hasn’t been easy and I’m still healing. I still get sad and feel confused by everything that happened. But I know that God has been better things for me, and not just the right relationship.

As my life has unfolded in the last year, I see that there are so many things I could never do or wouldn’t get to do if I was with that person. If I had chosen him. I chose me. And by letting him go, I also let that past version of myself go. I had been holding onto her too. I had to let her go so I could become the best, most aligned version of myself.

The fact that I’m able to talk about this publicly now is proof that I’m changing and growing. God healed me. God got me through it. And God can get you through it too.

This story isn’t about a worldly relationship, it’s about a heavenly relationship with the creator of the universe.

God is enough. And he loves you. There is no doubt in my mind that God wants to do life with you.

Let my story be an example of this. He wants to know you and give you the best life. And most of the time, our version of what’s best doesn’t compare to what God has in mind.

Ya’ll I was dangerously close to choosing my ex. Sooo fuckin close to settling for someone who doesn’t treat me right. Last year I was heart broken and hopeless.

Now, I’m a business owner, I’m more confident and self-assured than ever before, and I have plans to travel the world. There is so much happening this year and I KNOW I wouldn’t be doing half of this if I was with my ex.

There is purpose in your pain. If you are going through something, know God is there with you and he has bigger plans for you.

This isn’t some empty religious BS. My life is living proof of the fact that God can get you thru anything if you trust in him, and he has way bigger and better plans if you surrender yours to his.

Let. It. Go.